Вицеви / Jokes

Неврзани работи кои и немаат баш многу врска со авијацијата.
Simple chit chat for things that may not really correspond with aviation.
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Mad Scientist
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Вицеви / Jokes

Post by Mad Scientist »

ATC: "N123YZ, say altitude."
N123YZ: "ALTITUDE!"
ATC: "N123YZ, say airspeed."
N123YZ: "AIRSPEED!"
ATC: "N123YZ, say cancel IFR."
N123YZ: "Eight thousand feet, one hundred fifty knots indicated."
[color=blue]No good deed remains unpunished.[/color]

Нормален текст - Пишува љубител на авијација
[b][i][color=red]Здебелен црвен и искосен текст - Пишува модератор[/b][/i][/color]
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Post by Scylla »

Some years ago it was required in General Aviation in Germany to call Info at small airfields and report the name of PIC + persons on board prior to departure. At big airports, the PIC had to fill out a form at the terminal before departure.

One day, this was heard on the ground frequency at DUS:
Pilot 1: "Düsseldorf Ground, ehh, this is D-EABC, ehh, Cessna 172, emm, Muller + 3 to Mönchengladbach, emm, request taxi."
ATC: "D-EABC, taxi runway 24 via M, cross runway 31."
Pilot 1: "D-EABC, ehm, taxi runway 24, emm, via M."
Pilot 2: "Düsseldorf Ground, ehh, this is Lufthansa 123, ehmm, Boeing 737, Huber and Schmitz + 125 to Berlin, ehmmm, request start and push..."

:D
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Post by Skopjeair »

Say again....

Questions via the radio should not always be answered exactly.

Tower: Aircraft in holding pattern, say fuelstate?

Aircraft: Fuelstate

Tower: Say again?

Aircraft: Again....




After this the tower controller switches off his radio and climbs down the stairs to drink coffee the rest of the afternoon.


And the Big Hand Is On the...

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"

Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"





turbulence on taxiway!

For months after California's Northridge earthquake of 1994, aftershocks rocked the San Fernando Valley and Van Nuys Airport. One morning about three weeks after the initial quake there was a particularly sharp aftershock.

Moments later on Van Nuys' ground control frequency: "Uh, four-three-kilo would like to file a pilot report for moderate turbulence on the east taxiway..."




ATIS Hotel

"ATIS" stands for "Automated Terminal Information Service," which is a recorded message broadcast at most busy airports around the country. ATIS gives pilots the current wind, air traffic, and runway information and each time the information changes, the broadcast is revised, with each revision being assigned the next letter in the phonetic alphabet. This designation is included in the broadcast, which is identified as, "Information Alpha..." Bravo, Charlie, etc.

At ATIS-equipped airports, pilots are required to listen to the recording prior to contacting Approach Control or the tower and must repeat the "Information so-and-so" identifier when they make their initial radio call. Sometimes, the results can be hilarious...

The scenario: it was night over Las Vegas and "Information Hotel" was current on the ATIS. Mooney 33W wasn't too sharp, but he didn't let that stop him from talking to Approach Control.

Approach: "33W, confirm you have 'Hotel.'

33W: "Uhhhmm, we're flying into McCarren International. Uhhhmm, we don't have a hotel room yet."

After that, Approach was laughing too hard to respond. The next several calls went something like this call to United 583 (which didn't make it any easier to stop laughing)...

Approach: "United 583, descend to Flight Level 220."

United 583: "United 583, down to Flight Level 220. We don't have a hotel room, either."





Now That We've Got That Straight...

Tower: "November 2115L, are you a Cessna?"

2115L: "No, sir...I am a male Hispanic."





Some People Just Never Listen

ATC to Flight 123: "Slow to 300 knots please." After several moments, it was apparent the crew had not complied with the first speed reduction and was overtaking the inbound plane ahead of them.

ATC to Flight 123: "Slow to 280 knots." This was soon followed by a request for 250 knots from ATC when the crew still had not slowed the airplane.

Finally, the now-frustrated controller ordered, "Gentlemen, the number is 250. Either slow to it or turn to it!"





how slow can you go?

It seems that it was a very busy day and a "good ol' boy" American (Texas-sounding) AF C-130 reserve pilot was in the instrument pattern for landing at Rhein-Main. The conversation went something like this...

Tower: "AF1733, You're on an eight mile final for 27R. You have a UH-1 three miles ahead of you on final; reduce speed to 130 knots."

AF1733: "Rog-O, Frankfurt. We're bringin' this big bird back to one-hundred and thirty knots fur ya."

Tower (a few minutes later): "AF33, helicopter traffic at 90 knots now one-and-a-half miles ahead of you; reduce speed further to 110 knots."

AF1733: "AF thirty-three reinin' this here bird back further to 110 knots"

Tower: "AF33, you are three miles to touchdown, helicopter traffic now one mile ahead of you; reduce speed to 90 knots"

AF1733 ( sounding a little miffed): "Sir, do you know what the stall speed of this here C-130 is?!"

Tower (without the slightest hesitation): "No, but if you ask your co-pilot, he can probably tell you."
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Post by Skopjeair »

airline abbreviations

AA (American Airlines) - Always Awful

AI (Air India) - Allah Informed

ALITALIA - Always Late In Takeoff Always Late In Arrival ,Air Line In Tokyo And Luggage In Amsterdam

BOAC (British Overseas Airways Corp.) - Better On A Camel ,Bloody Old and Careless

CA (China Airlines) - Choose Another

CAAC (Civil Aviation Authority of China ?) - Chinese Airline Always Canceled , China Airlines Almost (Always) Crashes

CPA (Canadian Airl.Intl.) - Can't Promise Anything (New code CAI) - Crash And Ignite, Call Ambulance Immediately, Circle Airport Indefinitely, Cruise Above Iceland, Cancel Alaskan Itinerary, Call Attendants "Idiots", Check All Items, Copilots Are Imbeciles, Casual Atmosphere Inside

DELTA - Don't Even Leave The Airport, Don't Ever Leave The Airport, Don't Even Let Them Aboard (referring to the arabs?), Departing Even Later Than Anticipated

EAL (Eastern) - Eastern's Always Late

ELAL - Every Landing Always Late

JAT (Yugoslav Airlines)- Joke About Time

KLM = Koop Lockheed Majesteit (Buy Lockheed, Your majesty, after the Lockheed bribe scandal which involved HRH Prince Bernhard of the Netherlands)

LOT (Polish Airlines) - Last One There, Luggage On Tarmack (wave 'bye!)

LUFTHANSA - Let Us Fuck The Horses, Are No Stewardesses Available

PA (Philippine Airways)- Please Avoid

PAL (Phil. Airlines) - Philippines Always Late

PAN AM - Plan On Arriving Nervewracked And Mad

PIA (Pakistan Intl.Airl) - Please Inform Allah, Panic In Air ,Perhaps I Arrive

QANTAS - Queer And Nasty Types As Stewards

SABENA (Belgium) - Such A Bloody Experience, Never Again, Such A Bad Experience, Never Again

SAHSA (Servicio Aero Honduras SA) - Stay At Home, Stay Alive

SAS (Scandinavian Airl. System) - Sweet And Sexy, Sex And Service

SIA (Singapore Intl.Airl.) - So Incredible, Aah

TACA - Take A Chance Airline

TAP (Portuguese Airl.) - Take Another Plane

TRANSAVIA - To Rape A New Stewardess After V1 Is Allowed.

TWA (Transworld Airl.) - Travel Without Arrival, Try Walking, Asshole , Try Walking Again, The Worst Airline, Took Wrong Airline, Try Walking Across (transatlantic perspective), Travel With Arabs, Terrorist Welcome Aboard, Terrorists With Arms, Teenie Weenie Airlines, Traveling Without Air, Tiny Wings Aflappin , Time Waste Airlines

Usair - Unfortunately, Still Alleghany In Reality
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Post by Skopjeair »

The size counts

Shortly after just landing at a big international airport in his Cessna 150, our hero strolls into the busy airport cafeteria for a bite to eat. He finds an empty table by the window to keep an eye on the airport comings and goings. Shortly thereafter, a striking woman walks up and asks to share his table. Naturally, he invites her to sit down.
After several minutes of small talk, the woman asks if he is a pilot. He responds, "Why, yes, I am -- I fly a C-150." Knowing next to nothing about airplanes, she asks him what a C-150 is. The pilot looks out the window and spots a C-130 Hercules taxing out for takeoff.
Pointing to it, he tells his companion, "See that plane over there? That is a C-130. I fly a C-150!"
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Post by Mad Scientist »

C5 landing with a beautiful female voice behind the mike. Soon after landing conversation goes:
TOWER: "...vacate runway via E, taxi to military stand M34"
PILOT (this time male voice): "say again stand number"
TOWER: "oh, it still takes a guy to park it..."
[color=blue]No good deed remains unpunished.[/color]

Нормален текст - Пишува љубител на авијација
[b][i][color=red]Здебелен црвен и искосен текст - Пишува модератор[/b][/i][/color]
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Post by Scylla »

At a glider site's take-off position. Take-off supervisor to winch driver.

Supervisor: "ASK-21 heavy at the northern rope. Start pulling."
Driver: "ASK-21 heavy...???"
Supervisor: "Yeah. My missis is on board."

Tower : "ABC, continue ILS Approach, reduce to minimal approach speed"
ABC : "We have already minimal speed"
Tower : "For information, you have two heavy lined up ahead for departure on the rwy..."
ABC : "Roger, reducing speed"

A classic one perhaps... A KLM flight bound for Amsterdam was descending abeam Eelde (EEL) in the Dutch FIR, coming from somewhere up North. Our radar showed the aircraft had initiated a significant turn hence the radar controller investigated...

Maastricht: "KLM1234, confirm you are making a right turn?"
KLM1234: "Affirm! Turning back shortly!"
Maastricht: "KLM1234, what is the reason for the turn?"
KLM1234: "Oh uhm, it's a very clear day today, and banking the aircraft allowed me to see my house from up here..."
Maastricht: "Roger... next time please report before turning"

This is when another pilot stepped in and said: "Hey KLM, can you also see the car on the driveway?"
Airplanes usually kill you quickly - a woman takes her time.
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Post by Mad Scientist »

A blonde went to a flight school insisting that she wanted to learn to fly. As all the planes were currently in use, the owner agreed to instruct her by radio on how to pilot the solo helicopter. He took her out, showed her how to start it and gave her the basics, and sent her on her way.

After she climbed 1000 feet, she radioed in. "I'm doing great! I love it! The view is so beautiful, and I'm starting to get the hang of this."

After 2000 feet, she radioed again, saying how easy it was to fly. The instructor watched her climb over 3000 feet, and was beginning to worry that she hadn't radioed in.

A few minutes later, he watched in horror as she crashed about half a mile away. He ran over and pulled her from the wreckage.

When he asked what happened, she said, "I don't know! Everything was going fine, but as I got higher, I was starting to get cold. I can barely remember anything after I turned off the big fan!"
[color=blue]No good deed remains unpunished.[/color]

Нормален текст - Пишува љубител на авијација
[b][i][color=red]Здебелен црвен и искосен текст - Пишува модератор[/b][/i][/color]
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Post by Scylla »

A Polish controller applied for one of the conversion courses at Eurocontrol. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.

The optician showed him a card with the letters:

'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'

"Can you read this?" the optician asked.

"Read it?" the Pole replied, "He was my Supervisor in Warsaw!"
Airplanes usually kill you quickly - a woman takes her time.
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Post by Z3-MAK »

Полетува авионот и пилотите ги информираат патниците по радиото дека еве полетавме ова она... ама од кога завршиле со извештајот го заборавиле вклучен микрофонот и почнале меѓусебе да прават муабет:

„Ај сега ќе јадеме ова она, па после ќе ја е........е сујардесата“.

И патниците сите слушнале што зборуваат, слушнала и стујардесата, и се затрчала кон кокпитот за да ми каже дека му е вклучен микрофонот, се сопнала и паднала и една стара баба и рекла:

„Не брзај ќерко.... прво ќе јаделе“
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Post by Iliev Laze »

:D :lol: :lol: :D :D :D :D :D :D
"As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I have No fear because I am the meanest motherfucker in the whole valley "..::- Gen. Geogge S. Patton
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Post by stavre »

Dali znaete koj pilot ne pie?????? Samo autopilot
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Post by Skopjeair »

stavre wrote:Dali znaete koj pilot ne pie?????? Samo autopilot
Во Македонија има додаток: Кој пилот не пие? Само аутопилот и Павле Крушарев :D :D :D
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Post by stavre »

:D :D :D
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Post by Trpkovski Vladimir »

На еден меѓународен лет спрема Дубровник , после информацијата дека аеродромот во Дубровник е затворен , пилотот им се обраќа на патниците :
Lady's and Gentlman , the airport in Dubrovnik is closed so we are going to Split.
Замислете ја реакцијата на патниците. :D :D :D
"Тонеме се подлабоко , моралот ни е на висина" - Извод од историскиот филм "Доброволци"
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Post by MaKoM »

...shoveling shits up the hill...
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Post by EDRILICAR »

Skopjeair wrote:
stavre wrote:Dali znaete koj pilot ne pie?????? Samo autopilot
Во Македонија има додаток: Кој пилот не пие? Само аутопилот и Павле Крушарев :D :D :D


:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :twisted: :twisted: :twisted:
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Post by Mad Scientist »

Во врска со веста на А1 дека А330 е најголемиот авион што оперирал на македонските писти ми текна на еден муабет меѓу пилот и една цура:
Пилот седи во бар на аеродром. Му приоѓа девојка и почнува разговорот:
Д: „Извинете, дали Вие сте пилот?“
П: „Да.“
Д: „Јас многу сакам авиони, со каков авион Вие летате?“
П: „Летам со С-172.“
Д: „Не ги познавам баш толку авионите, можете да ми го опишете?“
Пилотот го врти погледот низ стаклотот од терминалот и гледа С-130 како таксира и вели: „Го гледате воениот авион надвор, со 4 мотори, тоа е С130 а јас летам со С172 па Вие удрете математика.“
[color=blue]No good deed remains unpunished.[/color]

Нормален текст - Пишува љубител на авијација
[b][i][color=red]Здебелен црвен и искосен текст - Пишува модератор[/b][/i][/color]
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Post by Iliev Laze »

Пилот !

Се враќа дома глушецот во дупката кога што ќе види, ја затекнува жена си во кревет со лилјак.

Па добро бе зар од толку глувци и стаорци со лилјак ли најде да ме изневериш?!!

Извини душо... ама пилот си е пилот!!!
"As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I have No fear because I am the meanest motherfucker in the whole valley "..::- Gen. Geogge S. Patton
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Post by Iliev Laze »

Деца и механика !

Две деца навалени над автомобилски мотор под подигната хауба коментираат:
- Јас ги знам сите делови на моторот затоа што секогаш му помагам на тато кога го поправа нашиот "стоеден"!
- А кои делови ги знаеш?
- Еве тоа таму е ебаниот акомулатор, ова е педерска полуосовина, а она онаму се курви од свеќички.
"As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I have No fear because I am the meanest motherfucker in the whole valley "..::- Gen. Geogge S. Patton
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